10 years15/10/2007 10:36:25 AM
Anniversaries are supposed to be events you plan for. Some anniversaries are more important than others, for some reason. 10 years, 25 years, 100 years. I guess there are no rewards for 99 years. It was 10 years ago today my father died. And it does seem more important.
Those rare few of you who come here regulary will know something is now afoot, as it was well past the 'day of' when this was published. And to you I will say mea culpa but nothing at all is afoot except my own inability to publicly repeat what I have known in my heart since the moment after.
I have a flood of emotions and I feel oddly reassured that they are no different nor more numerous than those of any other first born male at the loss of his father. Chief among them of course was anger. Anger at god, the Church he served and loved, the incestuous blood sucking Oil Business in Calgary, doctors ... my list was endless and I hated them all with real vigour. It would be fair to say I still cary some measure of animosity at the perpetrators of various wicked things that colluded to steal my father from me.
I think he would have been proud of me. I think he would have in spite of my obvious shortcomings. I think he would have seen himself in me and I know this only now because I see myself in my own sons. And I think he would have been proud of them and if ever there was a silver lining it is that he never lived to have his heart stolen by beautiful blonde Sarah. Sarah who was cursed to live her life in the shadow of a death she never really knew or understood. Only that her birthday is a time of sadness for many of her family.
I regret so many things now. That I took so long to recognize the power he gave me. That I shied away from sharing my highs and lows. That I did not take him out for a night on the town, just us boys. He really needed to loosen up, especially in the last years. I regret I did not engage him in honest and thoughtful debate on the so called value of the Catholic Church in human life. I regret I did not teach him Tai Chi, as I do now to so many others.
But more than anything else, above all things I miss you, Dad.